Start Where You Are

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https://drive.google.com/uc?export=view&id=13Ci0E1kLJHOKzTKruzOuA-Rf14guepQh
Two and a half years ago when I started this blog my intent was to journal and keep everyone updated on how living with NASH Cirrhosis was affecting me. 

Can I say that life happened? And that most days I just didn’t feel like writing. 

So, I start where I am. Today. Right now. 

I’m on the transplant list now. As of today I’ve been on it for 7 months and 18 days. My MELD (Model for End Stage Liver Disease) is now at 26. My MELD is important because it puts me in a line of other people who need a liver. If a person has a MELD of 40, they are really sick. So I’m stable but the disease is progressing. 

Some of the things I deal with on a daily basis are nose bleeds, mystery bruises, nausea, lack of hunger, and pain. Sometimes I have problems with my cognitive abilities and functions. Today is one of those. My hands shake a little and sometimes I can’t find the right words. Oh and the big one...no energy. Zip! Nada! 

Naps are good!

But there’s another thing that I deal with that I know most people with chronic illness deals with. 

Loneliness. 

My life has slowed down and encompasses the home I live in. Friends and family have lives and theirs are lived full steam ahead. In reality that means I’m disconnected. 

So truly, I guess that’s where I am. I’m not depressed. I’m not angry. I just am. I stay busy with pets and garden...and pets in the garden. My husband is usually my only contact. Sometimes for days on end. 

Honestly, I really don’t want to interrupt or intrude. And I hate that the subject is always about how I feel. Yet here I’m writing about it. 

So rather than continue this line of thought, let me give you something I had as an epiphany. It’s good. At least I think it’s good. 

In February we had a horrible week long freeze. In Texas, that’s a big thing. By mid February, we usually are into sundresses and sandals. This year we were trying to stay warm in the midst of sub freezing weather and no electric or water. Not normal. Our garden...the majority of our plants we had planted the year before didn’t make it. Even though we wrapped and moved things, plants in Texas just aren’t able to survive in weather that cold. 
https://drive.google.com/uc?export=view&id=1CL7DNFFlG4JPZ4L5dlayBgBK44IBiyBv
Here comes the good part. 

Now it’s May. A full three months after Winter Storm Uri hit us and there are little miracles. Plants that I had thought were dead, there’s signs of life. 

For me, that’s hope. Currently I’m in the midst of a storm that has devastated and turned my life upside down. But there’s hope. 

I need to start looking for signs of life. Not uproot relationships and old goals. Add to them much like we have added to our garden. But watch for signs of life. 

Looking forward to greener days ahead. https://drive.google.com/uc?export=view&id=1r9yXfT4UXqT09eiavJhL5hUYhu0RHPkk

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