I am Loved
I would pull up a chair to the counter and momma would hand me one of her white dish towels. She would fill the sink with water, and suds would bubble up with the help of Joy Dishwashing soap. As she washed and rinsed, I would impatiently wait for the plastic stuff and the small pans. She put all of her glassware on the kitchen towel to her right.
One day as I stood waiting for the next dish, Ipeered out the window that had looked out over our large backyard. And then my gaze looked over the cinder block fence surrounding our land to the mountains beyond.
In the distance, I could see Van Horn Mountain. It had the giant, rock “V” on it that our high school freshman would paint every year. Next to it and behind was the mountain I called “Mud Mountain” because it looked like something I would make in my mud pit...layers of dark rock stacked on each other. Other hills and mountains surrounded these and protected our little town.
I loved this view. It made something inside me want to go ‘splore’ the trails and canyons of these distant wonders. My heart would quicken and I would smile.
One day, as I gazed at the mountains I so very loved, I told my momma this. “Momma...someday I’m going to live where the mountains meet the sea.” She looked at me and gave me a hug. “That”, she said, “is a very long way from here.”
I forgot this moment and it would be 37 years before I remembered what I had said on that chair by the window. It would be years of both joy and hurt. Of mistakes made and accomplishments finished. I would face decisions that changed me completely and would go through things that no person should ever be faced with.
In 2005, I accepted a job offer in Northern California. During the week I worked hard to build the company I had been hired by. But the weekends, they were ours.
Saturday mornings we would wake our two teenagers still at home and the four of us would pile in our SUV and hit the road. Quick breakfast picked up and off we would go.
Our favorite thing to do was to “go get lost.” Cities and National Parks. Eucalyptus groves and Redwood Forests. Mountain trails that lead to lakes and streams and views that were breathtaking. And we discovered Highway One that followed the coast and twisted and wound its way into our hearts.
Upper Falls, Yosemite NP
Vernal Falls and Yosemite Valley
Big Trees State Park. Redwood Trail
Lake Tahoe. Nevada side.
Beach in Tahoe City at Lake Tahoe.
One Sunday afternoon, Doug and I found ourselves heading north out of San Francisco. Just a Sunday drive enjoying the cool air and the beautiful scenery around us. Our windows were down and my hand was out the window carving a path and flying in the airstream of our adventure.
The twists and turns of this part of Highway 1 are astounding. Cliff faces on our right and drop offs to either rocks or water. Breathtaking. Then the highway would swoop back in towards the land and quiet mountain streams could be heard as we passed quickly by. Then the road would once again veer towards the Pacific and we would hear the crashing of the waves below us.
On one of those curves, as we turned back towards the land, my breath was taken away. There before me...right in front of me...the mountains met the sea.
My heart stopped and tears started pouring out of my eyes. Gut wrenching sobs followed as I remembered what I had said as a little girl.
“Momma. Someday I’m going to live where the mountains meet the sea.”
Doug quickly pulled over and helplessly watched as I sobbed. He reached for me and I shooed his hand away. “It’s good”, I said between sobs. “It’s good!” He sat quietly in that little parking spot off a curve in the road until my tears started slowing down.
I finally was able to talk and I told him what had just happened. Thirty seven years ago, God had placed a word in my heart. It just woke up.
The realization I had was this. God had always been with me. Even before I knew Him. He had always been with me. He has known me from the foundations of creation. He knew me in my Mother’s womb. He created me to live a life with Him. He knew every mistake I would ever make. And yet He loved me still and forgave me. His love is an everlasting love.
That word given to me by my Heavenly Father as a five year old, and was once again revealed to me as a forty two year old, has sustained and strengthened me.
Fifteen years have flown by since that day. Mistakes and regrets were still made. Heartaches almost destroyed me at times. And a diagnosis of a disease that changed the direction of my life.
But with this all is that whisper. The assurance of a relationship with my Savior. That absolute understanding.
I am loved.
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