Faith

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I had a bit of a “bright light” moment during worship this morning. As my hands were raised high, and my head tilted back, and I was singing, this question popped into my head. “Why, God, do I keep pushing you back?” I can tell you, I was truly puzzled. I was, after all, in the midst of an amazing worship service and I was participating full heartedly. Or was I?

I asked God to show me what was going on. Memory after memory of friends and family praying for me to be healed came to mind. But also, my internal thoughts came to mind.

I want to clarify something very quickly...and it’s a pretty important clarification. I believe God still heals today. I’ve seen it with my own eyes and I’ve experienced it too. I’ve had the privilege of praying with many who God chose to heal in that moment. I rejoiced with them...and watched as God continued to reveal Himself in some amazing ways to them. But I’ve also prayed for many who weren’t healed in the way I believed and hoped for.

I know it’s not about me having enough faith...or believing strong enough, or even garnering the favor of God because He has used me in the past. But my heart has also been broken by watching the declining health of loved ones and friends.

And that’s where it is. Fear. Afraid of being disappointed in God. Afraid of praying a bodacious prayer of faith and hearing nothing.

I can fully understand when the Centaurian said, “I believe...help my unbelief!”, I understand what he totally meant by that. Me too...”I believe, but God please help my unbelief.”

God is doing some amazing things around me. His hand and heart are all over this process...but I really don’t want to be on this journey. It’s painful and uncomfortable and messy...and I just don’t want to do this anymore. I look at the evidence of His love towards me and I feel ungrateful because I want to be healed. I don’t want to do this.

And then, I threw back my head and I shouted to God in the midst of worship and I told Him this: Even if you don’t heal me in the way I want to be healed, I will still praise you till I have no breath left to tell you how much I love you.”

I’m on this journey. It’s not one I would ever choose. But it is changing me and deepening my understanding of God. God is still good.

Terri

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